February, but also self and everything and life update but also rambling, all in all the usual

Hey, it’s been a minute. And yes, I know I start every post after an absence the same way lol. But that speaks to who I am. We all have our quirks like that. These little things that make us us. Even if we don’t think so. Even if we don’t think of us as a central being, but an amalgamation of different people or things. But even then, that is still us. We may borrow or take these things from others, but in a way they become who we are.

What is the self if not a reflection of our world. Isolate that from everything, and what remains? What exists outside of our own perception? Do we? I know I’ve asked this question a million times, and I’ll likely keep asking it. But it truly is the question that we search for after everything. Who am I?

We’re constantly going through stages of life looking for that, and when we think we are close, it shifts. Our self changes, or does the world shift and we are still looking at that reflection. I don’t even know what to do? It’s the transitions in life that get me. The changing of one self to the next. Each instance is just as true as the last, but I’ve lost the train here. I don’t know where that line of thought was headed lol. But I hope it finds the way.

Lord knows I’ve been looking. But hey, where does that leave me in 2021? I know that was the big question that you came here for. I know how this works. And honestly, I’m just here. A cog in the machine, still looking for my worth to myself. I think the difficult thing is that I look for my own self-worth and value in things that aren’t where that lies. The biggest one is one that I would say that you are well acquainted with and that is my relationship status, or lack thereof.

And I get better at dealing with it at times. I put too much stake in not being a whole person without a partner. Which I know is complete bull, but still I internalize these thoughts. You know how it goes.

I’m just lonely lol. I really need to get that pet one of these days, but I also need to make enough where I feel comfortable enough to financially support a pet, also work balance. So I’m still a little ways off I would say. But I’ll get there. Also, I need to start getting used to the idea of riding a bike to get to places, buses are great, but not needing to have to rely on them all the time would be pretty nice. And yes, I know that cars do exist, but I have personal reasons to not drive.

First being that it’s expensive to have your own vehicle, maintenance adds up. Second, climate change and whatnot. Third, and likely the biggest component of it. I’m just terrified to get behind the wheel. Which I think is why I’m still procrastinating getting a bike. I’ll need to work on that as I get a bike and start travelling by it. But we’ll cross that bridge when I get there.

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