Sunday Self-doubt & Existentialism

Hey hey, I told you I’d be back soon. And boy oh boy, lot’s of stuff is going on. It’s, look. This sounds worse than it  is, but that’s just how I am sometimes. I have this real bad insecurity where I think some friends of mine don’t care for me, and it really wears me down, dog. Now, this doesn’t happen with all friends, and it doesn’t even happen all the time. But there is this one group of friends that it happens every so often with, basically it’s the friends that I play xbox with right, so the usual go to stuff is we’re all usually in a party chat together and that’s really about it. Generally. that party is closed so you need an invite to join, no biggie. You just invite and then you usually get one back and everything’s good to go.

Easy, right? Super simple, however every now and then there’s a hiccup where I’ll just send invites to everyone in the party, and I never get one back. Like at all. Generally I try to write it off as they’re busy right now, and they’ll get back to me as soon as they can. Every so often that’s how that works out. But, there’s a bigger issue where I’m in this party limbo where I can’t get in, and then another friend that is part of this group gets on online and they’re in the party in seconds.

Now you can see where I get these feelings that they don’t want me there. And I don’t know man, it eats at you. That nagging doubt that the friends that you hang out with don’t even really want you there. And I’ve got nothing, when that happens, I usually stick around a bit and keep trying to join the party by sending invites, actual messages saying what the issue is. That works sometimes, but when it doesn’t, it really just kinda digs me deeper into this hole of self-doubt.

And I know I shouldn’t give a fuck, because for the most part I don’t really care about this group a whole ton. They’re kinda jerks about a lot of stuff, and I really only try my damnedest to get in because that’s really the only time that I can spend with a friend. She’s great, you’d love her. Damn near one of the best I’ve ever had. Anyway, where was I?

Oh yeah, that’s right. So yeah, whenever this pops up, I just sorta feel like I’m not welcome there and that’s hell on my psyche. Really is a great way of building you up, ya know. Sarcasm, obviously.  I’ll get over, I always do. But, the truly worst part is that I know that this is all inside my head. At least, I think it is.

Let me just say what my brain is telling me most of the time in this situation. Basically, I see it as.

Fuck…

I need validation in my life. Like, I need to know that I am valid. And that I’m wanted by people in life. And that they genuinely give a shit about me. Because I sure as hell give so many shits about them. Christ, I’m off of work for three days and I get super fucking existential about my place among people. And I know, I know. I am valued. And all that good jazz. But, despite me knowing that. It doesn’t feel like it. It’s hard to explain. Like I know for a fact that I have friends that care about me, and that I’m a valued person in what I’m doing. But deep down inside, there’s this gnawing doubt that I’m not and that I don’t deserve this or worse I misconstrue basic things and think that I’m not welcome or wanted by friends. And I know, I’ve been talking about that for most of this bit. But I think it really is the heart of the problem. And I don’t know what else to say about this. I think I need a few days to figure out where I stand. If you’ve got any ideas on this, or simply want to reach out. You know where to find me.

Laters

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