Hey everyone, it’s me again. I just wanted to chime in with a quick update on the issue that I presented a week ago. After some careful consideration, and by that I mean living my life and seeing where that takes me.
So, with that being said, I will say that yes, I am pretty much mostly sure that my depression has returned. And man, what a joyous time that is. Like, this thing is such a part of me, and I hate it. I hate that it has such an active role in my life and that I feel like most of the time I can’t do anything about it.
Every night I dream that I have someone there for me, who it is varies. Sometimes it’s 23, but most of the time, its her. I see her pretty much in every moment of my life, I know nothing’s there for me, I’ve checked that myself, but still I won’t move on. I need to, wasn’t that the whole point of doing what I did? To be free of my own self-imposed ideals. Heh, look at how that’s turned out for me. I’m still alone, my “freedom” certainly hasn’t done me any good. I still pine after the idea of a relationship and how that would make me feel “complete.”
Yes, I know that that is a terrible metric to look toward, but hey, that’s what I’ve got. Now, as for the reactivating of depression, my last post covers it pretty well in regard to how I feel she impacts it. Which absolutely isn’t her fault, that’s mine for assigning meaning to what was never there. And I need to tear myself away from that shred of; I don’t want to call it hope because in my mind “hope” gives it the notion of it maybe being a good thing that I should strive to achieve; and I most definitely should not be going for this goal. It would never work, I need to find somebody else.
And therein lies the problem, I am unable to do so. Alright, maybe “unable” is the wrong word. I am incredibly bad at it, I get massive anxiety and am awkward when talking to new people, then double that for talking to girls, especially ones that I think are cute. Forget about it dude, there’s no way I’m making a positive impact on them. But I think that’s something I’ve got to strive toward this semester, putting myself more out there and taking risks that I normally wouldn’t take. It’s absolutely terrifying, but it’s the only way I’m going to alleviate some of the issues I’ve been facing.
Bison Musings 