Hey hey, what up, yo? Oh you know, same old, same old. Eh, I mean sort of but not really really. So school’s started up, right, and with that all the baggage that it claims.
But before I get into it, I wanted to explain how my break went well. As well as breaks from school can go, my depression was mostly gone. And by that, I mean I didn’t inherently feel just this overwhelming feeling of sadness. However, I was bored out of my goddamned mind. So you win some, you lose some. With that being said, since I’ve returned to Austin, I’ve been having a great time, yet I am depressed again. I want to say it’s the environment, and maybe it is. College is rough and it kills everything you’ve ever loved. But I know what the true cause of this round of depression is, at least, I like to think so.
I think the problem is, I crave intimacy. Good, romantic intimacy, the kind of stuff that you dream about. And I don’t have it, I want someone to share it with but I can’t and I hate that I feel this way about it. I feel like sometimes like I can feign that intimacy and it scratches that itch I have. But then in the next moment I realize that it’s not true intimacy and that I am alone again. I want to reiterate that this is one hundred percent on me, I accept all blame for this and I recognize that I shouldn’t assign meaning to relationships of this level lest i want to repeat all of my life mistakes.
But in the end, I am who I am. I’ve made these mistakes and I will continue to make them until I find it within me to move on from my self-imposed limitations. And if I know me, then well, hey, that ain’t gonna happen anytime soon. So if you excuse me, I’ve got some crying to attend to.
Catch ya on the flip side!