That Constant Feeling

Silly me, I’m doing it again. I’m falling in love with someone that I shouldn’t. I’m not surprised. I’ve said it before, and I’ll say it again, I’m in love with the idea of being in love. And seeing other friends in relationships makes me wish for that even more. Now, most of the time I don’t let it get to me. But every now and then, this expansive feeling of loneliness builds up and I get even more mopey than I normally do.

Yes, I recognize that this is all my own fault, and if I cared to actually get out of this predicament then I would do it myself. And yes, I know it’s cliche, but it’s just not that easy for me. I think it’s something to do with this anxiety that I feel. Christ, I really need to go ahead and make that phone call to the therapist. Maybe he can help me find the steps that I need to take to help myself.

I’m, I’m not in the best state anymore. And I’ve known this for a while, I’m okay at certain times, but then I get all dark and twisty again. I’m fine when I’m around certain people that allow me to imagine that I have someone, but then I’m back in reality and surrounded by that crushing loneliness that I’m all too familiar with these days. I hate feeling this way, and I hate that it’s such a part of who I am. But alas, such is life… Right?

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